I’ve got nothing against Catholics per se, you understand. After all, I’ve slept with more Catholic men than the Pope can wave his Hitler Youth badge at. It’s a real turn-on knowing that they’ll probably be seeking confession with some closeted priest, asking for forgiveness for what we got up to in the bogs the night before.

Mind you, I’ve done my fair share of sucking up, too. It’s all that pain and suffering they bang on about that attracts me: more than once, I’ve taken a good beating from a rather dishy priest. Exquisite! I adore all that dressing up, and a rosary or two substitutes nicely if I can’t remember where I left my Thai beads. But I digress.

Anyway, back to His Holiness (I’m being sarcastic, by the way). The current one has agreed to come to the UK later this year – yippee! (I’m being ironic, now) – following in the footsteps of his predecessor. And thinking about that dribbling old bigot reminds me of Poland.

According to the Gay Kraków/Crakow Life website, being gay in Poland is like being a Michael Bolton fan at a heavy-metal concert. During the Communist era, homosexuality wasn’t a problem because the Authorities said it didn’t exist! I wish I’d been there: I’d soon have put them straight (or not!) on that one.

I’m reminded of those Polish Catholics who, a little while ago, were outraged at Kraków’s plans to target the pink pound. At the time, they were aghast that the city wanted gays, of all people – rather than drunken straight stag-nighters – to visit the city. (I could tell you some stories about drunken straight stag-nighters, but it’ll have to wait till another time. Suffice it to say, I loved every minute of it!)

Outraged? For pity’s sake, what is it with these religionists that they are always so outraged? At the time, Piotr Kucharski, a spokesperson for the Christian Culture Association (i.e. a group of outraged homophobic bigots), howled, “I don’t know which is worse! Drunken Britons may get their genitals out in public. But we don’t want gays performing public obscenities either.”

What, like kissing or holding hands?

Besieged by religiously motivated protests, city tourist bosses were forced to drop the filthy word “gay” from their vocabulary. Magdalena Sroka, of the Kraków Festival Office, was ordered by her bosses not to speak on this subject. Happily for us obscene gays, though, she then went on to do just that, announcing that they fully intended to broaden their offer to include the gay-and-lesbian target group and launch a special online gay-tourism section.

Izabela Helbin, from the city’s marketing and promotion office, told the very deliciously tasty-sounding Gazeta Wyborcza what we all know, that filthy bummers like me spend significantly more on holidays and entertainment than tourists (especially bigoted religionists, in my experience) who travel with family or friends. That’s the capitalist spirit!

Club, pub and hotel owners were all for extending a special welcome to gay tourists, too: “Jesus, yes!” said Thomas Naughton, owner of Irish bar Nic Nowego (Nothing New), adding, “Gay tourists behave a lot better” – and, they’re much sexier, too! – “they have more money. We were the first place in Kraków to put up signs saying ‘no stag nights’.”